I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
