I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
