This dress was meant to end up on your floor
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
