I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
