Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
