y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think I sprained my soul last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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