How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
