I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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