Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
