I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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