What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You're like the curious george of whores
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
