2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
