I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
