I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize