So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
