omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
