i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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