Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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