All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
