I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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