i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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