I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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