That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
