I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
