omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
