then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
