I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
