one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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