Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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