home. puking in laundry basket.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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