There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
