i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
