we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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