HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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