He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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