well I can't set my house on fire every night
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
