i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
