dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
