Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
