you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize