I met the friendliest cop last night
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
