pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
