I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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