thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
