Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
