the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
