Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
