dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
