Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
