um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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