Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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