I wish I only lived at night.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
