I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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