If i come over, it means nothing
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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