A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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