sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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