You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i love accidental penises.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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