i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
