So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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