I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
