Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
