A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
