I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize