A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
