well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
