I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize