last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize