Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize