Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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