I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize